Dark Sadness

A deep sadness envelops me as darkness blankets the world. But my eyes are dry and clear as I study the stars that dot the night sky. Such immense beauty. My own exhaustion seems insignificant. I am alone. The winds are cold, and whisper softly to me as they brush against my bare skin, ruffling my hair. I have seized my opportunity. I will be playing at the ballroom in November, in my capacity as a pianist. I have chosen to resume formal lessons after a 5 year hiatus. I have expanded my vision, and now as I see the vastness of the world, it saddens me. It saddens me that there is so much pain in the world. So much suffering. My words on this blog are meaningless, they cannot move the heavens to save the dying. They serve no greater purpose than to be an outlet for my inner turmoil. Catharsis. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of being the thinker. But thinking is to me what smack is to a junkie. I just can't stop. I have no power to cure the ills of the world, so for tonight, I will draw the thin sheet closer around me and turn away from the night that awaits me. I miss the days when I roamed my vast castle with no responsibilities. I had my gardens to soothe me, my favourite stone ledge overlooking the small lake. And now I have nothing. Alone in my yellow cell, having turned my back on the tiny garden I now possess. I am so tired, but it is too late to sleep. I used to sleep whenever I wanted to, waking up whenever I felt like it. Those days are gone. I've just purchased Ovid's Metamorphoses and Dante Alighieri's Purgatorio. It is nice to finally have the actual books in my possession. I would like to get my hands on Dante's Inferno and Paradiso. When my next paycheck comes in, maybe. My classes have cost me an arm and a leg, and I foresee myself limping along financially until next month. My first class is this Sunday. 3:45pm. I know instinctively that I will zip along through the theories and effortlessly ace the examinations. Thank God I've always challenged myself instead of being content to rest on my laurels.
It is now Friday, and it feels as though the weight of the past week is heavier than ever. I pray that the Sandman will not claim me until Friday night, when I am finally free to surrender to his embrace. Send me someone to speak to me of these things that burn unseen within my person, because each day that passes makes me question my sanity even more. *sigh*
Heaven bend to take my hand, I've nowhere left to turn.