Dark Cravings

The clock is ticking, I hear it as a resounding boom that reverberates at regular intervals in my head. The pills lie discarded on my floor. I can't do this. My barriers are breaking down, and I have been fighting the sandman for as long as I can. Short naps here and there, not enough to drown in the murky waters of my memories. I am craving my cigarettes, I am craving the touch of someone familiar, I am craving Lexie. All very very wrong cravings, and therefore exist solely to be resisted. The night is so still and dead, and I can't stand it. ZJ has returned, and I am not surprised at his sudden affection for me. He needs my dark wings to shield him from the demons hunting him down. We've been through this dance before, and this time, my illusions are rising up against him. Let him try and break through, I really really don't care anymore. Sarah MacLachlan is singing to me. "Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell." I'm tired. So tired that I'm giving up the fight. Laying my swords down beside me and lying down on the cold hard floor. So be it. I surrender to the Sandman's perverted embrace. Take me away, old friend. I have set safeguards in place to keep myself moving to the rhythm of life. 30th March. I have a date with destiny, to right what is wrong in my life. No one can help me, because these are my demons and I am choosing to fight after 21 years of passive acceptance. In half an hour, I shall still my mind and separate soul from body. Four hours after that, I will rise from the shadows, and allow the waves to pull me back to reality and to the office where I will consequently spend the rest of the day alternately smoking and sleeping. Ah, you gotta love plans. Anyway, I had a blast on my 21st. The Smirnoff tasted good, the music was fine, the company divine. Thanks to my girls, and Leon for marking one more year in my wheel of life. It is time to settle in. Damn these cravings. -_-