Psychic Warrior

More than a week has passed since my last blog entry. It feels like a year to me, and I am scarred from my most recent battle. I have not spoken much about my inner turmoil to anyone, and right now I doubt that I will ever open my heart once more. The tendrils of ice have begun to curl around my form once more, and even the thought of my closest and dearest friends cannot thaw me. I booked out of camp on Saturday, and as I sat on the stone bench and waited for my parents, I came to the conclusion that I stand alone against the world. Yes, there may be people who care about me, who can provide me with shelter, temporary relief against the storms of my life, but in the end, I fight this war alone, and I fight it for me. It sounds cold when I put it that way, but as I examined my soul thoroughly, I came to realise that yes, I am a cold person. I wouldn't say that I care only about my piano, but Yammy comes first, above all else. No warrior would fight a halfhearted battle, and I will see this to the end. Victory has become meaningless; what matters is that I die with valour and great courage. It has been ingrained in me that winning isn't everything, and grace in defeat is worth much, much more than triumphant arrogance. I owe it to the people who have helped me thus far to continue fighting, and not give up halfway. Should I fall, I will rise again, and I will keep fighting until I end this war. Heed my words, I will not live forever under another's thumb. I have managed to avert disaster simply by trusting in my own good luck, but as I calm this particular storm, I must remember that there are forces greater than myself, and that any warrior worth his salt must have enough grace to withdraw when overwhelmed. Live to fight another day. All wars were won with massive armies, men who trusted one another in battle. I am one man, and I will never trust another person, but my blades are sharp and my spirit pure. When it comes down to it, I will not run from this war that I am in. I will finish it without taking the shortcuts that are available to me. Say what you will, but I am cunning, and I am a master manipulator. There are invisible threads that allow me to subtly control my fate, but for now...I will not evade this fight; my greatest battle. For most of my life, I have been at war with demons from within. Faced with the biggest challenge of my life, I ask myself...do I take the cowardly route and run, escaping a fate worse than death, or do I fight till the very end? My blades whisper as they slide against each other, and the answer springs forth from the deepest recesses of my heart. I will fight this monster all the way. A thousand men have been in the same place as I. I am not the first, and I will not be the last. Men have fought and fallen, a few have risen to glory and some have been disgraced because they could not bear the pressure of being a warrior. I know this war will be long, and difficult. No one said it would be easy; in fact, when I discussed it with my close friends, I was told to take the easy option of weaseling out. But above all, I value men with integrity and valour, and I will honour my commitment to this war. I will stand by these men, defend them if neccessary, and we shall fight together, even if I do not trust them. I watch my own back, I am responsible for my own life and those that I take, and as I cut each fine thread that connects me to another flower in the garden of life, I whisper my heart's misery to the winds. I have been alone for most of my life, and now I have experienced the full spectrum of human emotions, and I am complete. I say a quiet thank you to those who have helped me grow from a quiet little shadow into a strong, fierce warrior. As I march into battle with these young men, knowing that we will be fighting side by side, I draw strength from the knowledge that should I fall in battle, I will not die needlessly. I gave my word that I would not fail them, and my very presence in the battlefield proves that I honour my promise. I am prepared. If I die, know that I die with grace and valour...and most of all, love.
I have decided.