Dark Thoughts

The silver crescent in the night skies has been drowned out by dark clouds, as dark as the thoughts that surround me unseen like a deadly flock of ravens. I don't know if I'm good enough. I've only really glanced at Yammy these past few days, just brief conversations with the ivories. The poisons are still wreaking havoc on my systems, not that I care much anymore. Perhaps there is a reason why so many people sleep during the night, when darkness holds sway over the entire country. When the sun is high in the sky, the light and warmth holds depression at bay. Well, I have been sleeping more, and still awake exhausted. I don't feel real. Have never felt real, except when I think of my perfect house with the perfect piano and the cats that I want to have. Abyssinians. My favourite breed. I feel as though I'm not supposed to be here, this isn't my time. Like it's all in my head somehow, and that I'm not really allowed to be happy. Such deep, dark thoughts on a cool, beautiful night. The world is coloured in muted shades, blacks and greys and patches of yellow where the crescent moon penetrates the clouds in a desperate attempt to bring her stolen light to Earth. Such audacity, when we all know her light is only a pale shadow to her King's solar fires. Still, I applaud her for trying, and I hope that when I have been exposed as nothing more than a mirror for another man's greatness, another man's strength of mind and complexity of spirit, a fraud, someone will give me credit for my attempts to carve out my own throne. I need someone who can see into the depths of my heart and see what it is I cannot show, hear what it is I am unable to say. Does anyone else feel that way? I need someone to give me confidence in who I am, in what I do, to tell me that I can and will be the person I strive to be. Good, clean, free of darkness and pure in every way. In my mind's eye, people are coloured not according to their skin, but according to their hearts and souls. I want to be kind to everyone, to forgive and be forgiven. To love and to be loved unconditionally, and to be great in what I do. Not just competent. I want to be good enough to stop feeling this way. Inadequacy leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Will I find redemption? Is it possible? Or maybe that's just another illusion the Fates have seeded in my mind, to further drag me down into the underworld where the rivers burn and blood runs freely. I want to be good in every way, in every field that I have chosen. How can I do that? I have frittered away years and years of mental training, and I have ignored my lessons for far too long. Is it time to accept my fate now? Or do I still have a chance, one last ditch effort to avoid the damning embrace of Hades? As I look up at the skies, I whisper Gabriel's name in vain. Grant me light, Gabriel, to fight the darkness within. The angels will not save me anymore. I have asked too much, tainted the greatest of them all by my very touch, corrupted the pure of heart, and now when I fall to my knees, I fall alone. Love is foreign to me. My love is false. I am selfish, for when others were in agony before me, I watched in quiet amusement at the fluidity of the human heart. Alas, my spirit may not be pure, but it is still housed in the shell of mortality, and I too am susceptible to the same fluidity and pain that all mortals experience. I walk the halls of shadow tonight with a heart full of sorrow and regret and pain, and yet still within me...a glimmer of light flickers. Perhaps the angels have not forsaken me yet. Even as Lucifer stakes a claim upon my immortal soul, and darkness eats away at me like a slow, ravaging disease, a tiny spark of hope in my heart makes me want to believe that I can find redemption. Do I deserve to be happy? The winds rush through the trees towards me, laughing at my folly, and I laugh with them. What the hell. I know I don't. I am the epitome of darkness. A roiling mass of blackness that will consume everything in its way, running away at the first touch of light. I feel like the bloody Yin-Yang symbol. Light and dark made incarnate in one vessel. Well...been ranting for a long time. I guess I'll go back to doing nothing and watching the shadows dance across my ceiling. I'm tired of having to fight the things I see, the man I know I can be, the things I know I can do.
I corrupt one of you, and the rest flee like cowards. Well, if I can't move heaven, I'll raise hell. *feels evil*