Void

The world is grey and colourless, and the storm clouds hang over me as I burn the last traces of sleep from my body. I have drifted from contentment to unhappiness and back again in the span of a few days, and suddenly I no longer feel. Neither dark nor light...just somewhere in between. My eyes have begun to redden in response to the diluted sunlight that reaches me through the shuttered windows. The air is cool, and slightly damp with the promise of another thunderstorm, and I have to wonder at my detachment. Thunderstorms always gift me with limitless energy, but today I feel...normal. Empty, almost. No rush of energy from the winds that rustle through the trees, no elation from the lightning strikes that pepper the skies, no urge to run out and embrace Nature in her wild glory. My skin is beginning to crawl from the sun's heat, but in less than an hour, I will remedy that with a quick shower. The day has begun, but I feel so inwardly still that my physical self is reluctant to obey my mental commands to move, to do something, to mend the bridges that I know will break as a result of my decision last night. I don't feel sad, or anxious, or depressed, or happy. I don't feel. *wonders* Listening to the music that weaves itself into my room, I catch a whispered 'Lagrimas'. The shadows retreat as the sunlight seeps into my room, and I am oddly contemplative, calm in the face of R's silence. He has left Singapore by now, I know that without having to ask. Letting go is easy to do when one's vision is not clouded by emotion. Another task awaits me. Do I answer this call for help? Or do I watch dispassionately as another disaster unfurls before me? This...mental calmness is truly a gift. In my mind's eye, I see myself standing on a high cliff overlooking the ocean as Night descends around me, cupping me in her omnipotent palm as the winds and waters rage away. I wouldn't exactly say this mental image exudes serenity, but it does take away my mortal feelings for a while. It is a monumental feat to be able to tame my wild fires and calm me down to such a degree, and I have to wonder if perhaps I am not as condemned as I perceive myself to be. Still, these are thoughts to be shelved away for the morrow, when my soul begins to blaze with the emotions that colour humanity. For today, I shall allow myself the luxury of mental silence.
How fleeting these moments are, yet so precious to a mind relentless in the pursuit of self-discovery.