Dark Phantoms

It has been too long since I've sat out in my garden with a pack of ciggies and a heart heavy with burden. It isn't right that my father still has power over me. I want so much to do good in the world, without living the rest of my life in his dark shadow. This is entirely my fault, from beginning to end. I cannot change one man, much less the world. I dread the next family gathering, when my two fathers will start going at it like enraged bulls. I did not expect this type of fierce protection from either of them. That is my miscalculation, and my greatest mistake. How great it seems now, when I'm fighting to protect everyone involved and making very little headway. The incidents have been overshadowed by my renewed joy in living, my delight in the vibrancy of life and all its joys. It's a beautiful world, and I assume my silvery tears are just crystalline ornaments to add more sparkle to the beauty. Everyone's leaving tomorrow afternoon. It'll be just me in this big house, alone with my thoughts and fears, demons past and present to torment me. So be it. I cannot save my fathers, either of them, but I WILL protect the innocents involved. Makes me wonder though...what kind of person has that much bad karma? What did I do wrong to deserve this pile of shit from life? I cannot do this, living in fear of both my fathers for very different reasons. I thought I was over this, spending lonely nights in pain with nothing but the moon for company, the sole witness for the tears I seldom shed. If only my father knows how much I love him, and how much I want him to be happy. Be a better person, lead a happy life. Everyone thinks I'm some emotionless zombie who only needs my piano to survive. No one sees my heart here, but I only have myself to blame for that because I keep to the shadows too much. The pain is intense. I cannot write anymore or I will break. If there's one thing I can take pride in, it's in the fact that my tears are for me and me alone. The moon still twinkles down benignly at me, so far removed from mortal woes! Dad, I miss you. Raphael, won't you heal the ills of the world old friend? The phantoms have returned, and my darkest hour is approaching. I will not break down. Gabriel...