Dark Pain

I have returned to the graceful folds of Night. The one thing that binds me to her, the one thing that I was lacking the past few days...was pain. I realise that now. Pain removes fear. Actually, pain numbs me, and I feel nothing. Just knives twisting into my heart. Two keys unlock the door to my connection to the Night. Pain, and loneliness. The shadows are everywhere, creeping into the deepest recesses of my heart. And despite my best efforts, I am not entirely immune to the torment ravaging my already scarred heart. His soothing voice, asking me the stupidest question, "Are you ok?" just drives me crazy. I've expressed my wish that he would just disappear from my life on more than one occassion. Yet the pain remains, an immovable stake lodged deep in my heart. The few sticks I've had in the garden have calmed me down slightly, and the tears have dried up. It's always the ones with the broken wings. The pain is intense, but I've weathered far worse in my 21 years of life. My father's unexpected betrayal of my trust ranks very highly on the list of shit I've had to endure. More than once, I wish I had a normal dad to run to in my times of darkness. Both my dads have hurt me in their own way, and I've dealt with the resulting pain the way I always do. Shove it into the back of my mind until they rise up to torment me. I would give up anything to ask my fathers why, and get an honest answer. I've tried calling my dad, but he didn't answer. Somehow I'm not surprised. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. My emotions are raging, and they're taking a toll on me. I don't know if I can go back to work in the morning and face him. Salvation was never this close, and for once, I just want to be the one healed instead of the one healing. In time this cloud of darkness will dissipate into nothingness...but for tonight, I remember every scorching memory from the dark place in my head. The latest J has tried in his own way to fix me. It's Justin all over again. I guess I was wrong. Pain numbs a person, but it doesn't entirely remove all the fear and turmoil. I'm afraid I'll never find my salvation, even though Gabriel promised me that it'll come. I'm in pain, and I don't want to hurt anyone else by revealing the wounds on my heart, the rips in my soul. I'll do my best to put up a brave front tomorrow at work. It's probably a good thing that I'm working for a full 9 days without break. I won't have time to sit and brood in my darkly beautiful garden with the winds to comfort me. The winds are soft and gentle, and my pain is lessened slightly. I don't know why I ran from him, or why I have kept my pain to myself. I guess the illusionist outdid himself this time. I will continue running from J, from X's tainted love, from R's meaningless lies and from the string of alphabets that take sick pleasure from dancing in and out of my life. It has to stop, and I can't allow anyone else to cut me as deeply. No one can leave me if I take that first step. After a long time, Guardian Angel is playing once more, as I beg Gabriel to take away my pain. The sun's gone down, Gabriel.
What do I look like to you, the Wizard of Oz? You need a brain? You need a heart? Go ahead...take mine. Take everything I have. Just take my heart when you go.