Dark Deliverance

Deliver me from pain, Gabriel. I have dealt with the pain on my own for a long time. Perhaps it's best if I remain alone for the present. The blood still swirls in my veins, darkened by my heritage and shadowed past. I cannot atone for them by myself; my penance will long and difficult. I have sought out old demons, companions if not friends. The shadows linger on around this house, consuming whatever little life there is. I remain here, the troubled Prince of pain. I have not stepped outside in over two days. My days are spent in deep slumber, hiding from the sun that stings my eyes. My nights are spent with mortal friends, insomniac and halfway to being truly nocturnal as I am. I have not eaten much, have avoided my family here as much as they avoid me. Alone, as I prefer to be, far away from the delightful joys of human interaction. My bitterness has attracted a swarm of red wasps to my garden. I know what must be done, but the pendant reminds me of the strong attraction I continually fail to break. Eolh: the symbol of protection. It is a warning, an omen. The shadows are swifter these days, more playful. I should have known they were mine to begin with. If I can be neither one nor the other, then I choose this path. The path of solitude, as comforting to me as it was years ago. I'm turning my back on my destiny and humanity, all in one move. Checkmate. Come get me, Lucy. I'm finally broken. This is for the greater good. Those who should never have learned about my world will move on, and the shadows that mark them will fade from their lives. Those who have given up on me will have their last laugh, as I follow my shadows into obscurity. I will do everything in my power to cut the few threads that bind me here, and then we'll see where my path leads me to. But I'm tired of this middle road, trying hard to cudgel my brains everyday and create beauty out of nothingness. I'm not God, not even close. I will find time to say goodbye to those few who changed me, given me a chance to stand in the sun once more. I will miss those days, and especially those nights when the moon hung low and bloody over Bedok. Just us, four friends with all the trouble in the world but also with enough to support to surmount everything that was thrown our away. Those days are over, and perhaps the rifts are too large for even me to heal. There is no hope for me, but who is to say the ones I've been holding back are similarly condemned? No, it would be selfish of me to keep them around me, a circle of protection unbroken and bound solely to fend off my demons. This I must do, and alone. Yammy's gold and black shell, his ivory keys...have failed to lift the darkness. Even sitting out in my garden, with my cigarettes and the low soothing hum of Night's music has done nothing to jolt me back to reality. I am content for now, if not happy...to be alone, where my darkness cannot mar the unparalleled beauty of life. Life, the way it should be led, an endless cycle of routine and a rush to fill bank accounts. I will say my goodbyes quickly. And then I will come back here to contemplate the ruins of my own life, and maybe, just maybe, find Gabriel waiting to take me away. This mindless existence must end, because it is too torturous to continue. I will leave, and perhaps my friends will be happier for it. There will be tears, and recriminations...but in the end, there will be resignation, and finally...moving on. A stubborn part of me hopes that if I survive this, I will be forgiven. But no, that universal forgiveness doesn't extend to us does it? The skies are lightening, the Sun is burning the last of Night's traces away from the world, damn his Solar touch. Here, all too soon the day. My heart is in turmoil, but even with the darkness racing through my veins, I still find it in me to wish for the best. Hope is a human construct, and of completely no use to me now. I will bar the Sun's rays from entering my home. Let the shadows hid the flaws, and I will be at peace.
U+16C9 Libera me domine.

Dark Phantoms

It has been too long since I've sat out in my garden with a pack of ciggies and a heart heavy with burden. It isn't right that my father still has power over me. I want so much to do good in the world, without living the rest of my life in his dark shadow. This is entirely my fault, from beginning to end. I cannot change one man, much less the world. I dread the next family gathering, when my two fathers will start going at it like enraged bulls. I did not expect this type of fierce protection from either of them. That is my miscalculation, and my greatest mistake. How great it seems now, when I'm fighting to protect everyone involved and making very little headway. The incidents have been overshadowed by my renewed joy in living, my delight in the vibrancy of life and all its joys. It's a beautiful world, and I assume my silvery tears are just crystalline ornaments to add more sparkle to the beauty. Everyone's leaving tomorrow afternoon. It'll be just me in this big house, alone with my thoughts and fears, demons past and present to torment me. So be it. I cannot save my fathers, either of them, but I WILL protect the innocents involved. Makes me wonder though...what kind of person has that much bad karma? What did I do wrong to deserve this pile of shit from life? I cannot do this, living in fear of both my fathers for very different reasons. I thought I was over this, spending lonely nights in pain with nothing but the moon for company, the sole witness for the tears I seldom shed. If only my father knows how much I love him, and how much I want him to be happy. Be a better person, lead a happy life. Everyone thinks I'm some emotionless zombie who only needs my piano to survive. No one sees my heart here, but I only have myself to blame for that because I keep to the shadows too much. The pain is intense. I cannot write anymore or I will break. If there's one thing I can take pride in, it's in the fact that my tears are for me and me alone. The moon still twinkles down benignly at me, so far removed from mortal woes! Dad, I miss you. Raphael, won't you heal the ills of the world old friend? The phantoms have returned, and my darkest hour is approaching. I will not break down. Gabriel...