Dark Projection

The little boy from my past has come back to haunt me. In waking dreams I used to see him, a sad apparition looking directly at me with haunted eyes. Today I realise...that boy is me. Who I used to be. We were talking of projections, Yushaa and I. How my illusions slipped tonight, revealing the depth of the darkness that I conceal within my person. And I came to realise that that little boy who has stalked me through my life is a projection of innocence lost. Everything clicks now. The doctor's diagnosis, my driftings, my dissociative tendencies, everything falls into place. Like pieces of a puzzle, cliched as it sounds. As the most recent wave of depression swamps me, I find myself numb, going with the flow. I am lost. I am considering taking a vow of silence. If the world will not heed my cries, then I shall silence my voice, since it goes unheard in the general orchestra of the universe. I'm tired of talking, but not being heard. Resentment has warped my heart slightly, I'll allow that. Alright. It shall be a gradual loss. I'll slowly stop talking. And tomorrow, I'll see the doctor. We'll see how he handles an onslaught of darkness from me. I don't know how I'll get through this, but again, as that cliche goes, the night is darkest before the dawn. The little boy watches me solemnly, a phantom that has been displaced from his own time. Gabriel, you're nothing more than a name to me now. You failed to protect him from the horrors of the world he lived in, and now I'm forced to live out this hellish existence. I damn you for that.
The projection of reality.

Dark Striations

My aura is streaked with ribbons of black, a reflection of my own twisted heritage and upbringing. Someday, the Victorian mansion in my mind will be a reality, and the crows will flock to my wrought iron gates and gardens on wings of black. Someday. For today, I have to learn to spread my own tattered wings and make my way home from the building where restless souls still roam the corridors. My energy is down to embers, and I have no idea how I will handle the test. From 8am to 4pm. I need someone there with me, someone to lend me light while I fight the darkness, but it is too much to ask for. I shall have to draw on other sources instead, my music, my writings, the laughter and joy that I have managed to capture in my tiny device. I hope it will be enough. The lack of sleep will cloud my mind and impair my judgment, but somehow...I have faith that I will make it home in one piece. After all, what darkness can touch me? Lucifer has already staked a claim on me. No one else will harm me. I am so tired; I long to close my eyes and drift off into the great void of sleep. Damn this test. I doubt they will find an explanation for my curse. He has returned, but I feel no joy. A wingless angel masquerading as the savior of the fallen. I think my mind has gone ramble-y from exhaustion. Never mind. Tomorrow, I will be able to rest, however briefly, and return to face the wrath of a mortal man on Wednesday. R has left me at long last, after years of hesitation and second thoughts. I draw my wings closer around my naked form, and think to myself about the irony of life as only I can see it. I am alone, as I have always been. My darkest moment is coming, I sense it. Where will I draw strength from? The pain is a wicked entity that enjoys mocking me, whispering enticing promises of salvation. Yet I know deep down that my body is so much stronger than my mind, that I will heal and not die, no matter how injured I may be physically. The blood still flows, the pain still throbs, but in time I will heal. God. Damn. It. I have rambled on enough to the uncaring Gods of the Internet. Now I shall return to my favourite night-time activity: watching South Park and Family Guy and playing 7th Saga. I have given up on Esuna, and am now restarting using Valsu. Should be promising. I like the arsenal of spells that Esuna had, but Valsu offers more options in battle strategies. *snores*
Gabriel, when will this fight end?

Dark Whispers

Gabriel whispers softly to me. My time is nigh. His wings caress the bare skin on my arms. My eyes are open, but all I see is darkness. The world whispers too, a gentle song of regret, the leaves rustling in harmony with the winds that tease me. My whispered words are lost in the cold, dark night. If I close my eyes forever...
This is a whisper from me to you.

Dark Insomnia

The night is still and silent, and the world slumbers. I stand alone, watching the other nocturnal creatures slinking through the shadows, parting it as only we children of the night can. The darkness is like a tangible cloud, instantly cloaking my outstretched fingers in shadow. Consume me, my mind whispers. My euphoric glow has faded, leaving only bitterness in its wake. I have lost my fight for sleep tonight, and this battle lost will pave the way for my descent into darkness. I ache all over, but still I cannot sleep. I damn the sandman more with each passing minute, cursing him even as his absence damns me. The night is dying. A few more hours, and daybreak will flood the skies with light, even though I remain untouched. Threads of red and black shoot through my aura, anger and darkness cloaking me as I begin a new day. It's godfuckingthursday. I should be glad, I should be thankful. Yet all I can think of now are the exams looming over me. If I pass, I'll finally get the promotion. I don't really care, but...my emotions are confusing me. It is nice to finally have someone in class regard me as an equal instead of an aloof airhead. Didn't exactly drive me home, but close enough, goddammit. I'm so tired, and so tired of being tired, and it seems like all circles have beginnings and no end. If I surrender now to the exhaustion that sweeps through my physical self, then maybe my mental self can heal from the current wave of darkness. Yet as I watch the seconds tick past on my clock, I know I have run out of time. This is it. I have to go without sleep for today. I will be on medical leave for next Tuesday. The doctor at the posh, posh clinic was ever so nice. Service was impeccable. I glided into the room, sat, and discussed with him the problem that has plagued me for so long. He agreed that an absence seizure is out of the question. Scheduled me for an entire day scan of my brainwaves, and cheerily informed me that I am not allowed to sleep for 16 hours before taking the test. Sure, no sweat. I miss his bubbly presence. *sighs* I ran my fingers over Yammy before leaving the house, not really playing, just feeling the smoothness of the finish. He seemed to sigh in resignation as I pulled myself away and out the door, flying away on wings of the darkest shade of black. Away from this hellhole where snap judgments are made every five seconds. I know I'm not being fair...but who cares? I have a test on Friday, and a medical appointment on that very day. I'm so tired. I hope he'll drive me home tomorrow. J has come back, surprisingly. One quick message, 6 words. "You really want to do this?" That's all it took. I don't want to think about it. Told him about Gerald. He didn't reply. Sigh....I think I'll risk a few hours of sleep. I don't want to face Norris on zero hours of sleep and fall asleep in his *purple* Honda. Hope the two guys can relight my spark tomorrow. Gerald always manages to, somehow.
Here's to hope.

Psychic Glow

The darkness within me has receded, and as the moon glows full and bright, my own heart mirrors her. I won't say that I get exactly 8 hours of sleep a night, but close enough. I've graduated from no sleep to 4-5 hours every night. It's quite an accomplishment. I wake up tired in the mornings, cranky and pessimistic for a few brief hours, but by the time the lunch hour rolls around I'm already chirpy even when the shit hits the fan. I hate the new office, by the way. But...I've taken responsibility for a lot of things lately, and I feel like everything's under control. Smoking erratically, sometimes going for days without a cig break at work, other days smoking an entire pack. But I can't deny that I have been happier this week, and I begin to believe that I can be saved. Have ignored the quiet whispers that precede me into the mansion, ignored the crows glaring at me from the wrought iron gates, ignored all those who exist outside my sphere of interest. They have taken to sleeping on the sofa in the living room, but I don't really care anymore. I have claimed this tiny space in the large house, and I am free to come and go as I please. I am tied down to nothing and no one, and my only obligations right now are to my work and my piano. I begin each day with a frown, and end every night with a smile and a heart full of hope. I wish moments like these could last forever. I am, finally, even if only for a brief period, at peace.
Thank you, Raphael, for healing my wounds.

Psychic (Brief) Reprieve

I fought my way out of the tangled webs that bound me, and now I have earned a day's reprieve from the daily routine of living. It shall come back to haunt me, I know. The Lorazepam has erased most of my memories of yesterday, and I have no idea how I got home. I'm clean out of cigarettes and pills. Ransacked my room, terrified of having nothing to ease the shaking in the night. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. *sigh* Will someone grant me release, or peace? I'm so tired of fighting, really I am. The show goes on, regardless of the cracks in my aura and my growing wish to die and leave this sad, sad world behind. I don't know when the razor will slip across my wrist and grant me salvation. Please, let it be soon.

Psychic Hauntings

The constant battle to banish my demons is draining. I met one tonight, a phantom from my past. Clement. Clement, Clement, Clement. He used to tower over me, muscled and stern. Now I'm as tall, if not taller. Our eyes met, and I felt a chill when he recognised me. There was a slight pause, and he walked out of the store. I wonder if he knows about R. I wonder if he knows why I left so abruptly. *sighs* It doesn't matter. I wanted to walk up to him and introduce myself as the shadowboy. Dancing at the periphery of your vision, vanishing when you try to pin him with your gaze. He knows about my rocky relationship with Alex, of course he does. The whole damned school knew. A big open secret. *sighs* The teachers sat me down and each tried to dissuade me from continuing whatever it was that we had. R made a mistake there, and it's haunted me ever since. Still, seeing Clement reminded me of who I used to be. I remember the large, old tree that was my refuge, and the notebook I carried around to record emotions in. It had pictures of cats on the cover, a tribute to my many feline companions who made my nights on the streets bearable. I was never lonely. People were drawn to me for some inexplicable reason, as were the cats that roamed the grounds. A fresh wave of pain has hit me tonight, and I remember waking up at 5 to sneak into the school with Alex, and maybe R sometimes. One thing I know for certain, R and Alex disliked each other after our colossal fight that became the talk of the school. I have a tendency to fall for dramatic men. Storming out of class in the middle of a lesson is a dead giveaway. It destroyed a lot of relationships, and suddenly I was in a bright spotlight. R tried to convince me to stay, to give it another chance, but I'd had enough with the town and its prejudice towards me. So many memories were formed there, and so few that I do want to remember. The toilets where Alex and I sealed a bond, the classroom where R first tried to hit on me, the musicbooks that I loved so very much in the musty library. Have I always been aloof? Only R can truly answer that question, having seen so much of me and still keeping in contact. If only he'd learn to control his lust, and not end up fucking me everytime we meet. *sigh* I do miss him, miss talking to him about the good times we had in school. I could bend this new guy, the same way I bent Justin, but what would be the point? It'll hurt everyone in the long run. So...no bending. I miss R. Think I'll ring him up tomorrow. *shrugs* Whatever. I have to face my phantoms someday. Funny how it's such a small goddamned world. Who else is going to pop out tomorrow? *shudders*