Dark Protections

Raphael will hold my hand as I walk through the gates to Damnation today. The many souls that are trapped there cannot touch me, as my two angels walk with me. Gabriel on my right, and Raphael on my left, shielding me from the claws of the desperate spectres. But in this fight, my fight for sanity, I battle alone. The darkest phantom has appeared again to torment me once more. ZJ. I sighed wearily when he asked me the question again. My answer has been a consistent no for the past few years, and nothing has changed. Even if it cuts me up inside to know what I've lost, my answer is still no. I am shielding myself from his tainted love, twisted as it is. In fact, I'm doing the same for MC. I was at the Esplanade all by my lonesome at midnight yesterday. And I asked him if he happened to be in town, just an innocent question. I could have done with some company while waiting for the girls to arrive. He said he'd just left the town area, but gave me an open invitation to his house. I laughed quietly, and declined the invitation. He's cute, tan, buff. My reasons for not pursuing this are many. Sigh. I don't know. I see shadows flitting around the house once more, busy plotting my downfall. ZJ, you left a deep scar on my heart when you left me alone to rot in my dark castle with my demons. And it is because of you that I am afraid to follow what my heart tells me about MC. I pined for you for close to four years, and now I'm almost free. Almost. So don't come back, you're uninvited. MC...*sigh* It has been sweet, this young flower that is blossoming in spite of my bitterness. Still, the fact remains that my powers of darkness are not strictly confined to my castle, and I don't want you to leave when you find out the many demons that stalk me through the corridors of life. I'd rather you leave now, when I am strong. Strong enough to live without any illusions that you might just be the guy I've been looking for. I'm terribly afraid that I might not be able to walk away from this. He leaves this country next week, coming back on the 30th of April. I don't know anymore. This isn't the shadowed prince I used to know. So it is true. Emotion weakens us. I cannot love these two men, for very different reasons. And that is my final stand.
Cupid's arrows are tipped with poison.

Dark Cravings

The clock is ticking, I hear it as a resounding boom that reverberates at regular intervals in my head. The pills lie discarded on my floor. I can't do this. My barriers are breaking down, and I have been fighting the sandman for as long as I can. Short naps here and there, not enough to drown in the murky waters of my memories. I am craving my cigarettes, I am craving the touch of someone familiar, I am craving Lexie. All very very wrong cravings, and therefore exist solely to be resisted. The night is so still and dead, and I can't stand it. ZJ has returned, and I am not surprised at his sudden affection for me. He needs my dark wings to shield him from the demons hunting him down. We've been through this dance before, and this time, my illusions are rising up against him. Let him try and break through, I really really don't care anymore. Sarah MacLachlan is singing to me. "Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell." I'm tired. So tired that I'm giving up the fight. Laying my swords down beside me and lying down on the cold hard floor. So be it. I surrender to the Sandman's perverted embrace. Take me away, old friend. I have set safeguards in place to keep myself moving to the rhythm of life. 30th March. I have a date with destiny, to right what is wrong in my life. No one can help me, because these are my demons and I am choosing to fight after 21 years of passive acceptance. In half an hour, I shall still my mind and separate soul from body. Four hours after that, I will rise from the shadows, and allow the waves to pull me back to reality and to the office where I will consequently spend the rest of the day alternately smoking and sleeping. Ah, you gotta love plans. Anyway, I had a blast on my 21st. The Smirnoff tasted good, the music was fine, the company divine. Thanks to my girls, and Leon for marking one more year in my wheel of life. It is time to settle in. Damn these cravings. -_-

Dark Battle

That dark angel on my gates will remain a mystery. I shall arm myself with only my trusty pack of cigarettes and my mental swords against the demons that haunt me. I can feel the blades slipping from my grip. No matter, I will fight until I have no breath left. My path is clear, having materialised in my head while I explored the realms unseen and unknown to most people. Tomorrow, at work, I will voluntarily subject myself to sensory deprivation and allow the separation. I must find out what is hidden. To win this war, I am willing to lose this battle tomorrow.

Psychic Rending

I have found myself, and my place of peace. This latest departure has left little impact on me. I am who I am, and I have always known that I am immutable and unchanging. It is both gift and curse, and those who try (and fail) to change me are unworthy of carrying my crest upon their breast, until they realise that I am to be accepted, flaws and all. I have my boys with me, and MC was really sweet. I just didn't feel like talking, so I'm sorry. I have much to do, and little time to spare for those who have already left. So it is with some relief that I bid goodbye to the departed, and say hello to new beginnings and unexpected freedom. I tried to salvage whatever I could from the wreckage, but I'm tired of always compromising and not being understood. I will not stand by and allow my philosophies to be mocked. I am a free spirit, not one to be tied down by schedules and obligations. It is a bitter truth that I am an intellectual snob, and most people cannot hold their own in a conversation with me. For 3 years, I was constantly changing. This time I will stand my ground and say, enough is enough. If you cannot accept me because I need some time alone with my thoughts, if I have to choose between my thoughts, who I am, and someone who cannot understand me, is constantly trying to change me, then my choice is clear. Until you learn to accept me and my philosophical needs, I cannot waste time pandering to your social needs, as I have done for the past 3 years. It hurt to know that I had been deleted, but as the night progressed and my thoughts evened out, I realised...it's better this way. I need someone more intelligent, someone who's capable of understanding what I need, someone who can debate with me and help me understand these things I never talk about to lesser people. I deserve better, and I have been a lot happier talking to MC, FD and my two Js about my philosophies and getting logical responses. I wouldn't say I haven't been stressed at work, because work is always stressful, but I have been happy. I have found my footing. I have found people who understand me, I have found people who like me for who I am. I'm free. I'll pay off my debts, and look forward to December, when I will be moving overseas to continue my education. I have been trying to decide between music and philosophy, and I still can't decide which I prefer. It was a helluva rollercoaster ride, these three years, and I'm really tired of always being the one that's compromising, and apologising, and mending broken bridges. This time, I really don't give a flying fuck. MC's gonna drag me off to Suntec next weekend, and I'm gonna drag him off to the movies after we're done. JJ! I wanna go for Janice's wedding next Friday. =) I need to wish Jason good luck. :P To quote my favourite childhood story, what's done is done and cannot be done. Tonight really highlighted the fact that you don't understand me at all. And I regret that these 3 years can be considered wasted. Well, we learn from our mistakes and move on. I still have my music, my thoughts and theories, my constructs, and my friends. =)
Never, ever mock my philosophies. If you can't understand the concept, maintain your standing in my eyes by not saying anything at all.

Dark Twists

In an ironic twist of Fate, the very same boy that had me swooning a few weeks ago has now begun to annoy me with his sweet gestures. "Go to bed, it's late, you have work tomorrow..." Right. Last week, he invited me out for breakfast, and I declined, saying I had no money. He shrugged, and came back half an hour later with a bottle of green tea and some buns for me. Sigh. Maybe I do have intimacy issues. What have I become? From a powerful figure cloaked in mystery to a mere mortal. Ah, regret. Still, I have continued my quest to replenish what was taken from me, and his tainted touch is fading from my memory. Sleep still eludes me on nights like these, when the shadows rise as one and materialise before me. The lone angel that was perched atop my ornate gates remains a mystery to me, but I know he is one of the fallen. Wings flared wide, eyes aglow, we contemplated each other in silence before I turned and walked back into my sanctuary. This space where protection is etched into the very walls. For a moment, a fleeting one, I thought that perhaps Gabriel had come to watch over me while I battled my illness. Alas, my hopes were dashed the instant I saw the unnamed angel's tattered wings and felt the dark aura emanating from him. Justin has returned with his heart in pieces. I laughed wistfully when he playfully blamed me for not keeping him by my side. Justin, Justin. If only I was selfish enough to do so. Perhaps you would have kept my dark nature dormant, and I would have ensured that your precious heart remained whole. *shrugs* Soon the moon will fall from her throne, and the sun will chase her lingering shadows away. And I will rise from this dark grave to return to the world of the living, mending more bridges and counting down the days when I will be free from the shackles of society at long last. I can't believe I survived 2 years of chains. I must thank my girls, especially Yushaa for having stood by me in my times of darkness. Again, I am one who craves darkness and solitude, so I apologise if my disappearances lately have caused any grief. There is something freeing about being alone with my thoughts as the trees whisper to the winds. He would call me a romantic if he was here. Sigh. R, wherever you are, I hope the angels are watching over you and may you be blessed with the son you've been longing for all these years. I should go to bed, even if I don't feel like it. Glenn is nagging. Sigh. Disenchantment is a bitch after the initial sweetness of young love. He's gonna wake me up for work later so I won't be late again. Is that sweet or what? *makes faces* Can't believe I was swooning over him just a few weeks ago.
Be careful what you wish for.