There is power in darkness. I have tasted it, bathed in its insane depths, and still when the skies darken and Heaven weeps, I find myself wanting light. It was just a spark, and now the floodgates have been flung wide open and the rumbling of distant thunder sounds like Michael's disapproval. I am spiraling down into insanity, my grip slackening on the reins. I am reaching the state of madness where killing becomes sport. As the darkness settles over the land, a mockery of true Night, I feel a gentle nudge in my heart telling me to fight it, fight the void from consuming my humanity, transforming me into a heartless killer with no conscience. The rain is dying out, and I don't know whether to be grateful or annoyed. There are things I cannot change, deaths I cannot undo, some caused by my wrathful hand, others accidents I couldn't prevent. But this descent into true darkness is something I can prevent, if only I had the strength of will and enough resources. Sadly, I begin to think I am lacking in both. My shadows are my links to a time long gone, a time when the divine held sway over the hearts of men, when money was of lesser consequence than gaining God's love. Perhaps I truly am condemned, and I just haven't realised it. I have lost many friends in my life, lovers, family even. My brothers' guarded distance sends icy splinters through my frail, beating heart. And every loss sends me even further into the cold embrace of shadow, brings me one step closer to Lucifer. Yet with every day that passes, the laughter and love from my friends ignites a tiny spark of hope in my bruised heart. I stand at a crossroads, old man. I do not fear death, for it is not a period, but the closing of a chapter and the beginning of another. But my heart is here, and it is here that I will fight to stay, darkened or not. Whether I stay as a killer or a healer, the rest is up to God. Jeremy was right to slam the lid on me. I terrified him, forced his hand and I lived 2 years without emotion. I frighten people. Some refuse to believe the truth of their senses, others are scared when the extraordinary happens around me. The rain has stopped, and the heat of noon is beginning to rise, my temper along with it. I don't know what I'll do with myself. I need someone close, to pull me away from the land of demented shadows and into the light. Gabriel, I don't know what to say to you, except...don't give up on me. Someday I'll fly free, and I'll be home with you.
