Dark Pain

I have returned to the graceful folds of Night. The one thing that binds me to her, the one thing that I was lacking the past few days...was pain. I realise that now. Pain removes fear. Actually, pain numbs me, and I feel nothing. Just knives twisting into my heart. Two keys unlock the door to my connection to the Night. Pain, and loneliness. The shadows are everywhere, creeping into the deepest recesses of my heart. And despite my best efforts, I am not entirely immune to the torment ravaging my already scarred heart. His soothing voice, asking me the stupidest question, "Are you ok?" just drives me crazy. I've expressed my wish that he would just disappear from my life on more than one occassion. Yet the pain remains, an immovable stake lodged deep in my heart. The few sticks I've had in the garden have calmed me down slightly, and the tears have dried up. It's always the ones with the broken wings. The pain is intense, but I've weathered far worse in my 21 years of life. My father's unexpected betrayal of my trust ranks very highly on the list of shit I've had to endure. More than once, I wish I had a normal dad to run to in my times of darkness. Both my dads have hurt me in their own way, and I've dealt with the resulting pain the way I always do. Shove it into the back of my mind until they rise up to torment me. I would give up anything to ask my fathers why, and get an honest answer. I've tried calling my dad, but he didn't answer. Somehow I'm not surprised. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. My emotions are raging, and they're taking a toll on me. I don't know if I can go back to work in the morning and face him. Salvation was never this close, and for once, I just want to be the one healed instead of the one healing. In time this cloud of darkness will dissipate into nothingness...but for tonight, I remember every scorching memory from the dark place in my head. The latest J has tried in his own way to fix me. It's Justin all over again. I guess I was wrong. Pain numbs a person, but it doesn't entirely remove all the fear and turmoil. I'm afraid I'll never find my salvation, even though Gabriel promised me that it'll come. I'm in pain, and I don't want to hurt anyone else by revealing the wounds on my heart, the rips in my soul. I'll do my best to put up a brave front tomorrow at work. It's probably a good thing that I'm working for a full 9 days without break. I won't have time to sit and brood in my darkly beautiful garden with the winds to comfort me. The winds are soft and gentle, and my pain is lessened slightly. I don't know why I ran from him, or why I have kept my pain to myself. I guess the illusionist outdid himself this time. I will continue running from J, from X's tainted love, from R's meaningless lies and from the string of alphabets that take sick pleasure from dancing in and out of my life. It has to stop, and I can't allow anyone else to cut me as deeply. No one can leave me if I take that first step. After a long time, Guardian Angel is playing once more, as I beg Gabriel to take away my pain. The sun's gone down, Gabriel.
What do I look like to you, the Wizard of Oz? You need a brain? You need a heart? Go ahead...take mine. Take everything I have. Just take my heart when you go.

Dark Disconnection

Something has gone terribly wrong. I can't remember ever being afraid of the rumble of thunder. I've danced in many storms, but this one frightens me. Out of all the human emotions, I detest fear and weakness the most. Yet as I sit in my garden, I feel disconnected from the night. The gentle hum of nocturnal insects seems alien to me, and every shadow that flickers makes me jumpy. Is it the 7th month effect? I can't remember ever feeling cold in the night. Yet on this dark stormy night, I am shivering. I've walked around in winter wearing nothing but shorts and a shirt, but there is something off about the night, and this is Singapore. The cigarette smoke blinds me, and the slightest breeze makes me tremble. I feel cold. The winds are scaring me, they sound like they're growling. What has happened to make me feel so out of place at night, watching a storm unfold? This isn't right. To make things worse, I could have sworn I heard someone walking just beyond the wrought-iron gates, the soft rustling sound of no animal I recognise. A light drizzle is falling, a precursor to the mighty storm I sense brewing. It is with immense relief that I hear stirring coming from within the dark house behind me; the maid is getting something to eat. She does that sometimes, and it is oddly comforting to have another nocturnal person in the house with me. I cannot fathom this latest development. I have slowly been disconnecting from my world. JJ, my girls, my piano. I don't understand it myself, and I am not one to run from the unknown. I explore it, really, which explains why I'm still here in the garden, watching the curtain of rain thicken from a mere trickle to a fullblast thunderstorm. Feathery drops are falling gently onto the blossoms before me, and the swing rocks gently in the unfriendly wind. When did I lose the ability to walk as one of Night's children? Have I been disowned by the Great Mother of Darkness? Even cats no longer walk up to greet me as I pass. It is discomfiting to see the changes in myself. I have been sleeping through the night more often. Is that why I no longer carry her mark upon my soul? Is that why the darkness frightens me now, why every slight breeze makes me jumpy? I don't know. All I know is that I am pulling away from all the things that make me who I am, and I didn't even realise it. Perhaps a few more nights in the garden, away from the routine of normalcy...maybe that will help me find what I've lost. I don't even know what is missing, how the night can seem so cold and unfriendly, and why I am suddenly so distant with people who have the rare ability of completing my sentences for me.
What has changed?

Psychic Pain

I will always be the Dark Prince, powerful but lonely. I have fought to gain my status as a legend, and now when the hammer comes down upon me, we shall see if my powers are enough to protect me from persecution. The ravens have returned, and I welcome them with open arms. They are my only allies in these dark days. My days are filled with joy and laughter, happiness at the acceptance I've found in the arms of my companions. My J is always by my side, making sure that my illusion of normalcy is formed. My nights are filled with wondrous magic, surrounded by blossoming flowers and the sweet scent of my garden. I have lost track of what day it is, only knowing that this month will be peaceful for me. Still, my raw strength and many gifts make my companions uneasy, and they have been subtly urging me not to abuse my powers. I wonder, at times, if there is truth to what they say. I have enchanted many mortals, and they are mostly under my spell, and they are my 'shields' when things go wrong. But my steadfast friends do not approve of my methods, and they have been relentless in their quest to sway me. Even my J has expressed disapproval. So be it. I will not enchant anyone else, if only to eliminate the disappointment in J's eyes. GS is slowly drifting back to me, and I cannot do anything but watch. You win some, you lose some. It will be a trying month, and my cards never lie. But my steely resolve will not waver, and I will emerge unscathed and better for it when it's all over. I look forward to spending a day tomorrow in the warm sun with my J and GS, TQ be damned. Only a few threads left, and the blade is in my hand. It is my call, and soon I will sing its swansong. But until then, I am content, for I have my J with me in this troubled time.
I will see my cats this Friday. My little snow leopard and the little kitten.